Top Chef Season 103, Mozambique

I spend a lot of time watching TV.  Less TV than last year as I'm 150% busier this year.  Sadly, I can only fit a 10 hour TV marathon in on the weekends now.  I still spend lots of time daydreaming about TV.

A few months ago I went on a TOP CHEF binge and since then I've been imagining what the show would look like here in Moz....

In a large outdoor space of swept dirt and a few shady trees, 16 grannys (vovos) in capulanas and headscarves (lencoes) sat on straw mats with their legs straight out in front of them.  Half dressed children ran in packs among the vovos, playing with homemade soccerballs and climbing the trees to knock down exotic fruits. In the sweltering afternoon heat a fully packed chapa pulls up and Padma, the host of Top Chef 103, Mozambique, tumbled out, looking fresh and bright in her ruffly, satin-trimmed capulana suit dress.

Padma welcomed the vovos to the competition and introduced them to the Carvao Kitchen (TM!)
 stocked with wheelbarrows full of carvao (coal) and brand new dented aluminum pots.  The Top Chef pantry (aka. the barraca across the street) was stocked with every ingredient the vovos could possibly want.  Whether the vovos needed half-rotten tomatoes, wilty onions, soggy cucumbers or bean leaves, pumpkin leaves, cabbage, sweet potato leaves, kale....they'd find it in the Top Chef Barraca. Behind the barraca there was a pasture full of goats, chickens, pigs, large rats and cows. They'd only be limited by their imaginations.  Spices?  They have them too!  Curry powder, check.  Benny's? (pure MSG) Check!  Actually, those are the only two spices vovos need.

The first challenge threw the vovos for a loop when Padma announced that the vovos had only 4 hours to prepare a pot of Sopa de Legumes (a traditional street-food that typically has pasta cooked to the point of disintegration but no legumes).  The vovos grumbled at the limited time.  "I can't possibly get my coal lit, my goat butchered and my pasta cooked in only 4 hours!"  When Padma announced "Your time starts now!" The vovos wiped their hands on their capulanas and walked slowly over to the wheelbarrows of carvao to collect their fuel. This took nearly 20 minutes because the vovos needed to stop and chat with every other vovo they passed on their way. Once they had a plastic bag full of coal they returned to their small stoves and burned their plastic bags to light their carvao before sending a small child to the barraca to collect their ingredients.  After the carvao was lit, the vovos walked a quarter mile to carry back a 25L jug of water on their heads with a baby strapped to their back.

Everything went well for the first two hours, the vovos had their carvao burning hot, they had a jug of water, their pasta and green leaves on the way to unrecognizable and the babies on their backs were asleep when Padma threw in the first twist. "Vovos, there's been a change. You are no longer allowed to use Benny's in your Sopa"  The vovos let out a collective "SHEEEEEE!" and began arguing loudly with Padma, explaining that Sopa without Benny's would not be Sopa and EVERYONE knows that.  When confronted with the overwhelming confidence of the 16 vovos speaking at least 5 different languages, Padma was forced to withdrawal the spice restriction and retreated to the corner of the Carvao Kitchen.

When Padma announced the end of the 4 hour cooking time, the vovos returned to their houses to take baths and sent the children to buy bread.  An hour later, when the food had cooled off, the vovos returned to present their dishes to the judges.

The judges, or Chefes (large men with big bellies who often wear sunglasses and play music on their telephones) sat at a plastic picnic table and waited patiently for the vovos.  The vovos arrived with a jug of water and a bowl and poured a small stream for the Chefes to wash their hands.  One by one the vovos brought a bowl of soup for the Chefes.  For each of the 16 vovos, the chefes were compelled to eat an entire bowl of soup or the vovos would look sadly at the Chefes and say "You didn't like it? Eat more"  Finally, in the wee hours of the morning, the Chefes finished eating their 16 bowls of soup.

The Chefes debated the merits of each bowl of soup at length.  "Good morning collegues, Thank you for your presence here,"  a Chefe in a shiny purple shirt began, "I enjoyed all of the soups, but I felt that Vovo Ana's soup had just the right amount of bone shards and the pasta was absolutely unrecognizable." The chefes all made a loud "uuhhmmmm" sound to indicate their agreement. The next Chefe added his input  "Good morning once again collegues, I agree that Vovo Ana's soup had bone shards and perfectly gummy pasta.  Vovo Ana Helena's soup, unfortunately had no fat floating on the top of it but I really enjoyed her use beef tripe"  ..and on and on the Chefes went, grunting and whistling and hissing their agreements or disagreements...

At 6am the Vovos returned to the Carvao Kitchen to sweep the dirt and carry more jugs of water for the second day of competition.  The chefes returned at 7am to drink cups of tea with 6 spoons of sugar each and continue the discussions from the night before.

All in all, the deliberation took nearly 7 hours since each Chefe needed to repeat what all the Chefe's before him had said.  They would have been finished after 4 hours but there was confusion about the distinction between the 9 Vovo Anas in the competition.  Once the Chefe's reached a conclusion they yelled "Padma!" at the top of their lungs until Padma crawled out of a reed-hut where she had been hiding since she had offended the Vovo's the previous afternoon and they had threatened to hit her.  Not that they actually would have hit her, "I'm going to hit you" is just the standard but Padma didn't know that.

In the end, it was Vovo Ana7's soup that won the competition, but none of the vovos cared because they were too busy in their corn fields (machambas) gathering the food for their families.

Padma packed her bags and gave up on Top Chef 103, Mozambique.